While there are approximately ten gazillion mouthlike sex toys on the market for men to stick their penises into, very few offer a similar sensation for the ladies. It’s such typical bullshit. Of course men get all the motorized blow jobs their ding dongs could want, while women get some giant dick stand-ins.
And while giant dick stand-ins are fine and often even divine, you would think products that suck on our clits would be a big deal, considering both men and women widely acknowledge that getting head is the shit. Most women have an easier time orgasming with clitoral stimulation than from penetration alone, and these toys do exactly that.
A few years ago, I’d tried the Fiera Arouser for Her and the original Womanizer, but the times are a changin’ and the sex toys that suck on your clit are evolving in an awesome, even suckier way. Alas, the Fiera Arouser is now retired, and the OG Womanizer is long gone, but the line has expanded to offer even more exciting versions, so things even out in the long run.
It should be noted that the original Womanizer felt extremely delicious and made me howl at the moon. It was also ugly as hell and looked like someone gave Ed Hardy a glitter gun and told him to go to town decorating an ear thermometer. That said, the orgasm was unparalleled and lasted forfuckingever, so when Womanizer offered to send three more products to try, I nearly creamed my jeans.
The Womanizer Premium
First up was The Womanizer™ Premium—an upgraded version of the original toy but significantly more attractive! It still kinda looks like something you’d find in a doctor’s office, but the rhinestones are no longer SCREAMING at you. It works by gently and indirectly stimulating the clitoris with 12 different intensity levels ranging from super soft to powerful. Oh là là! Even more exciting is a new autopilot function, which basically randomly creates a series of patterns and intensities to take you on a different orgasm roller coaster every time you hop aboard. Choo choo, motherfuckers! (That’s a train, but whatever.)
Lying down to try this solo, the first thing I notice is how quiet it is when you turn it on—which, honestly, turned me on! You could use this thing in the middle of a library and nobody would say shit. Well, they might ask you to stop masturbating in the middle of the library, but it wouldn’t be because your vibrator is hella loud! As for the actual orgasm? It was just as much of a trip as it was with the original Womanizer.
At the lowest setting, it feels like what I imagine the touch of a sexy ghost on your genitals to be like. It’s not amazing, but it’s also not not-amazing. It felt like it was trying to drag an orgasm out of me very slowly. It was pleasant enough to maybe let it go on forever, but also being constantly horny and on the verge of the world’s slowest damn orgasm would be terrible.
After a few minutes of this titillating purgatory, I fiddled with the different intensities until, just like a perverted Goldilocks, I found one in the middle that was just right. And, oh boy, was it just right! SO DAMN JUST RIGHT.
I’m not exaggerating when I say that this sensation is unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. It was an intense, allover body shake that lasted for several minutes. If I were a wolf, I would have been howling at the moon. It’s what I imagine receiving oral sex from a tongue possessed by a SEX ANGEL would be like.
I experimented with the autopilot version but found it a bit too unpredictable for my tastes—I eat the same thing for breakfast everyday, yaimean?—but I could see it being very enticing for some of you weirdos who like to eat pancakes one day and pussy the next!
The Womanizer Duo
This is the Womanizer taken to the next level, promising both clitoral and internal stimulation with a curved internal attachment. The product encourages you to buckle up for “the blended orgasm you’ve always wanted,” and as someone who’s pretty sure she’s never had a “blended orgasm,” I WANTED IN. Take me away, babe! Just like the Premium, this gadget also has 12 intensity levels. Provided none of them suck my clit clean off my body, I was down to try them all.
First things first, this puppy is also super quiet. The only thing that would give away that I was masturbating would be the fact that I was SCREAMING from how intense this orgasm was. I honestly don’t know if it was the elusive internal stimulation combined with the clit stim, but shit was OUTTA CONTROL. It’s like using the famous Rabbit Pearl but much more intense. I honestly couldn’t take it. This might be for a more advanced masturbator because it took me like half an hour to come down after this. But afterward, I immediately wanted to do it again. OH MY GOD, maybe I’m the advanced masturbator I dreamed about!?
The Liberty is cute as hell, super compact, and perfect for a lady who loves her orgasms on the go. You could put this in your makeup bag and TSA would think it was some sort of Clarisonic. Well, the dudes might, but the women would be all, “GIRL YES.” First, I must take a moment to mention the marketing copy, which is perfect and begins with, “Ladies, get ready for takeoff: With a stylish cover and six levels of stimulation, the Liberty guarantees pleasure in every place on the planet.” Yes, please to the thematic rocket language! After trying out both other Womanizers, I’m game for whatever they wanna tell me. Part of me wants to use this during the Running of the Bulls in Spain and email the company a picture of me and my Liberty à la a traveling gnome.
Unfortunately, with zero exciting international travel plans on my horizon, the most mileage the Liberty got was going out with me to run errands and then coming back home, because duh, there was nowhere appropriate for me to use it out in the world. I’m not trying to bust this thing out in the Whole Foods juice bar. Anyway, it works just like the Womanizer, with the silicone tip latching onto your clit and sucking away. Men, take note! Liberty knows what’s up—she weighs less than a pound and will satisfy you more than most dudes. Despite her small size, her power is still mighty and her orgasms still intense. She is the perfect lover and you don’t even have to cuddle afterward.
In the end, all of the sex toys provide unique and interesting sexual experiences—and they ought to because these things ain’t cheap! Lots of women will find them to be worthwhile additions to their solo- and/or partner-based sex lives because it’s super arousing to feel like a pair of tiny perfect lips are sucking on your clit, and that’s just a fact.
Now if only someone could invent a tongue attachment to go with these things, I’d fucking marry them.